Separation of state and self

As I wrap up the day at work, I recognize that I need to be a Mom again soon.  The switch of roles exhausts me.

Earlier today I thought that being divorced with alternating custody rights has one side benefit. It crafts a strong delineation between when you are a parent and when you are single.  Or course, divorce is not a feasible or desirable outcome for me.  But it leaves me with the question, is it possible to embrace multiple identities at once?

First, let’s make it clear, I am no June Cleaver.  Honestly, my post-partum depression after Eliot was born from that struggle to realize that I could not be that kind of mother.  I failed miserably to craft, knit, entertain endlessly my child.  What I hadn’t understood is that with your first child it is not just figuring out your child’s needs and how parent that child.  It’s about discovering what kind of parent you can be and still live with yourself.  For me it was a close call.  Had it not been for a few desperate other mothers and then graduate school, I would have imploded.

With the second child, there was no time to question my role as a mother.  Auden came in the midst of a terrible work crises, and I had to be back just a couple of months after he was born, stepping into an interim leadership role.  Managing suited me to some extent, but in the end, the degree of stress was unsustainable.  I present a somewhat formidable picture in meetings and discussions. It baffles me how easily people will just do what I suggest if I state it with enough assurance.  Certainly an ego boost until you realize that you then have additional dependents.

Fortunately (I think), I was offered an individual contributing role as a business analyst a couple of years ago. Now I am more consultant than leader.  I directly supervise no one, but I still have people who depend upon me to facilitate the effective completion of their tasks.

What I wonder, though, is if either of these roles, mother or analyst, identifies me?  Am I merely shuffling masks as I go between?  Would merging them matter in the least?