Yesterday Sandy and I met with our couple’s therapist for the second time. The first session was largely laying out the reasons why we were in therapy: the creeping up of my depression, my general dissatisfaction but inability to vocalize it until this critical point. The second session centered around our meeting and getting together and then began to address disappointments and disillusionments we had experience with the relationship.
Things that came out in our second session where we retold how we met, what drew us together, and our first disillusionments:
– a general fondness and mutual compatibility when we talk with each other, especially about the past.
– that Sandy was attracted to some strength in me and didn’t appreciate what the depression/impaired qualities meant.
– some indication that I may have had hidden emotional reasons that motivated me to slip comfortably into the relationship and then start working toward the various goals in the relationship (marriage, house, dogs, kids…).
– that Sandy brought a level of insecurity to the relationship that I may not have understood or appreciated. (Of course, I did as well.)
– that Sandy’s serial monogamy had made him comfortable with relationships and had set a basic expectation of early passion that tapers off into friendship and comfort.
– that Sandy holds a lot of regret around being forced to choose “family” instead of the directorship role that Carlin offered him just before paternity leave. Not that he would make the choice differently, but that the timing was so bad.
– that from the beginning I didn’t share my emotive, verbal processing with Sandy, and over the years when we’ve had a fight, and I wanted to keep talking, Sandy would often shut it down with, “I cannot talk about this now,” so eventually I stopped thinking of Sandy as someone to be emotive/volatile with.
– that Sandy doesn’t want me to feel guilty for needing to go through this process.
[About our sex life below]
– that Sandy doesn’t consciously seem disappointed that our sex life had tapered off, and was, I think, trying to reassure me that he understood if I didn’t respond to his suggestions.
– that I am the only one who really initiates sex – he may hint – but goes by my indication.
– that I stopped initiating because the type of sex we have isn’t compelling to me. what kind? gentle and compassionate and playful. I recognize that I never really wanted to ask for the sex that I wanted because it was shameful(?) – from the very beginning, I’d kept this unexpressed. When I shared this, I indicated that the type of sex I wanted wasn’t with a husband, and he asked, then with whom or why? I responded because the role of husband and father isn’t compatible with the type of sex. what type? aggressive, rough, dominating. He was, I think startled, and agreed – tentatively – that he’s not sure he could be that.