Before I found out about my uncle, I had spent several days wondering, what success looked like? Meaning, what would be an acceptable outcome from all of this: the depression, the re-assessment of the relationship, work, etc.
In no particular order:
My career: I like aspects of my job, but it does not fulfill me. I feel like I failed by not getting my PhD. Mostly I feel like I am not making a difference. I have this strong compulsion to make my life meaningful. Writing feels like the closest outlet for that right now, except that my writing makes no difference to anyone at all. It’s like I am supposed to DO something, but I just don’t know what it is. Otherwise, what’s the point?
My family: I agonize over so many aspects of parenting and home life and trying to keep the ship running. I rarely feel like I model anything meaningful for my boys. Frequently, I am certain I am not a good mother. I constantly question what I bring to or am teaching them that is valuable. I feel guilty thinking about the happy memories I should be helping them to create, but have no initiative to do anything about. I see/hear about other parents taking their kids traveling, on little adventures into the city, to concerts and plays, or just bicycling with them, and I don’t even want to pick up my kids from school.
My home: I am tired of how it’s always falling apart and feel like piled under layers of crap. I want to move, just to start afresh.
My marriage relationship: My frustrations impact my ability to enjoy the good parts of our relationship. I find that our common interests diverged; conversation is often just a recap of our days or a plan for a future activity. I am tired of his anger and feeling like I have to diffuse it all of the time or that I am the source of most of it. I feel like we do not take on challenges/excitement/new things because we are exhausted, treading water.
My sexual relationship: I want some ill-defined more. I vacillate between having the courage to discuss this and retreating back into a red-faced quietude.
There are so many fronts on which I feel like I’m waging some campaign and losing. Would winning one of them make the difference and let me call truce on the others? What would constitute a win?