It’s raining this morning: a nice steady dark rain to accompany the mood that I cannot get out from under. I am glad for the rain. Not just in the we-really-need-it-California-drought way, but in the maybe-other-people-won’t-notice-how-bad-I-am way because the rain will cover it.
This morning after I showered, I heard the rain. I stripped off the clothes that I laid out the night before, ran upstairs pulled on my tights and dug out my boots so that I could wear my black cowl-neck sweater dress. One of the few dresses that I like. I look forward to rainy days so that I have an excuse to wear it. I thumbed through all of my dresses and other hanging items in my closet and couldn’t find it. So then I started digging through the rest of the closet of sweaters and clothes piled up to give to Goodwill, shoeboxes, rolls of christmas wrapping paper, around my wedding dress box, and nothing.
I started wrestling with hangers, dragging out boxes and the various piles of crap, throwing it on the floor. Still nothing.
I started opening drawers and looking through, knowing there is no chance I would have put it in a drawer, and yet still desperately hopeful. All of this standing in a pair of hose and a bra. Nothing.
Finally, I gave up. I had a pile outside of the closet that consisted of at least 30 pieces of clothing, boots, an electric blanket, and a five or six shoulder bags, backpacks or purses.
I pulled on a pair of pants with my boots and a sweater. Sandy came up to see if I needed help. Quietly, I said no.
Silently, I started folding everything from the floor on the bed. I put a few things back in the closet, but mostly left everything in neat piles on top of the duvet.
My emotions ranged from anger and frustration at all of the crap that I have accumulated to complete bewilderment. I don’t remember giving away one of my favorite dresses. Why would I have done that and kept sweaters and pants that I have not worn in years? Why do I have eight rolls of christmas paper in my closet, but not a single sweater dress? For the briefest moment, I just wanted to burn it all. Just to say, fuck it, and walk away.
I feel like I am absolutely losing my mind some days.