I envy my mother’s ability to recognize and acknowledge the best qualities in a person. Far too often I scan a person for their flaws first. Some part of it must have rubbed off, because I do endeavor to compliment acquaintances or strangers. I might step up to a receptionist at the doctor’s office and canvas the person’s outfit, form, manner, accoutrements before finding something I can comment on, like, “oh, I love your earrings” or “what a beautiful name you have.” The more I know someone, though, the less likely I am to verbally appreciate them. A friend I haven’t seen in weeks is easy to flatter. My own children, on the other hand, I nag, correct, cajole or kid. My mother managed regularly to profess our strengths. Oh, I know there was a lot of cajoling and correcting, but I recall even criticism was wrapped in a compliment. Not empty flattery, either. She saw you clearly, and you largely felt good about what she saw.
Looking back now, I suspect that it was her amusement and appreciation for my choices that gave me to confidence to carry off some of my odder stylings. I guarantee that her affirmation and belief in me is why I survived childhood. Did I always possess this desperate need for positive feedback my mother unconsciously met, or did I develop the need because she offered it so freely? I suspect the former. My overly self-critical, sensitive self likely preceded my mother’s interventions. Regardless, I thrive when regularly praised and acknowledge. I wilt when I am not.
I have sat on this post for a couple of weeks because it has felt incomplete. What I wonder: how does affirmation, receiving or giving, overlap with the much lamented topic of today’s sense of entitlement?
Do a quick Google search on how to teach your kids to be more grateful and feel less entitled, and you will find numerous suggestions. Many of them profoundly sound. I recently read a piece (that I cannot re-find) that outlined three basic pieces of information to include in your conversation with your child when you highlight some gratitude-warranting act.
- Indicate the intent.
- Describe the cost.
- Illustrate the reward.
For instance, your younger son has refrained from throwing your oldest son’s stuffy in the toilet. You would say to your oldest son, “Wow, did you see how the little guy didn’t dunk Tigger? Isn’t that great? Holding back was REALLY difficult for him, especially after you buried his train in the backyard. But see? Now the fight is over, and we can get back to getting ready for bed and Tigger is still nice and dry and snuggle-able.”
I like this approach. I might actually remember to use it occasionally.
I wonder, however, if gratitude for what we have is enough? Our desire to have more, to consume insatiably and to feel every right to do so, is rooted in something deeper, some sense that we ourselves are incomplete. Would sufficient confidence and comfort with oneself sate some of that need?
In my personal and family life, I thirst for affirmation but do little to earn it. I am lucky to get through the day doing the bare minimum. I feel that I accomplish virtually nothing at home in terms of projects; I feel that I offer little in the realm of extra-curricular education for my children; I feel that I support a minimal number of friends emotionally; I feel that I contribute no time and very little money to causes; and I feel that I proffer a bare trickle of affection to my spouse. When I am a reasonably contributing member of the family, the time I spend away from work is spent on non-achievement items: housework, family life/scheduling management, transportation, family socializing, shopping/ordering/supply management, and scant bits of “me time.” Virtually every task is ongoing or deconstructed/consumed upon completion; there is little to point to as an achievement. As a whole, in our family, there is a paucity of compliments. We attempt to be thankful each evening for something in our day and many times those may be an acknowledgements of our own success, but we often fail to recognize each other’s achievements.
The tricky bit is the socially dependent nature of affirmation. If a tree falls in the woods, and you construct a cabin from it, if no one is there to laud your achievement, can you feel complete? But even if there were someone there, would s/he be inclined to applaud your success if you had never acknowledged that s/he had fell the tree in the first place?
Ok, I totally suck at philosophy. What I want to know is how do I feel better about myself, make my kids feel better about themselves, and ensure that they share that with others?