Last night was a low for me. The pancreatic pain had me reaching for a codeine. I can see that this is how addictions begin. The pain wasn’t so bad that I was crying, but it was gnawing at me; something I could not ignore. I kept thinking about how I’m going to live the rest of my life with this pain after every meal. Then I circled around that thought too many times and knowing how I don’t want to live like this. So then the codeine. I feel better. Not high. Just not in pain. Then not being in pain, I can be distracted from the depression. I totally get pain reliever addiction now as I teeter on the brink.
I wrote this about it on Medium.