A while back I wrote a piece called Mea Culpa, about how easily I accept blame for things. It doesn’t matter the circumstances, the words “I’m sorry” pop out of my mouth throughout the day. It seems to be a characteristic of women. A few weeks ago I was trying to explain something to a younger female colleague. I kept apologizing for not being able to make it clearer, and she kept apologizing for not understanding. Had I had the same conversation with a male colleague would he have competed with me to accept blame? If I were on the receiving end of a complex explanation from a male colleague, would he have readily apologized for not being able to clarify the issue? It’s anecdotal, but my gut says no. I frequently sit in on technical explanations with technical people and find the males are the least likely to go out of their way to be understood. If you don’t get it, you don’t get it, and that’s your fault.
I think men from the moment that they are boys are expected to be infallible, princes on white horses: chivalrous and sacrificing. Unfortunately, by extension means that they are not taught to accept culpability. Perhaps this is where the, “boys will be boys” platitude comes from. Women, on the other hand, must apologize profusely for each perceived foul they commit.
As a woman, it is quite easy to make this a post about women’s rights and the injustice of this societal gender difference. But I am a mother of boys. So, I have been thinking less of the immediate impact on women, and more about the weight that men must carry if they are taught from the earliest age that they can do no wrong.
I see this in my 4 year old. He often tries to rewrite history in order to shirk blame or responsibility. “No, I didn’t insist that I wanted that extra pancake and that I would certainly eat it,” (when he had done just that 5 minutes before). He strikes out at others, “it’s not my fault” or “they made me.” My fear is that he is afraid to be fallible or culpable.
I want both of my boys to know that it is ok to make mistakes. It is ok to do something wrong and atone for it. I’d rather they didn’t do anything wrong, obviously, but if they do, I want them to accept that they did it.