I was just chatting with Amy and wondered if a fundamental difference between how Sandy and I is how we see change.

I see change as improvement, necessary constantly to be seeking it.  Life without change is impossible for me.  I cannot sit still that long metaphorically.
Which for someone with such strong anxiety if the predictability of the day to day is upset is incredibly ironic, I know.  My control over change is essential.  I choose to re-arrange the furniture or paint or choose to have new dogs or a second kid, etc.
And I might complain a lot about the result of the change that I chose.
So I am starting to see how that confuses Sandy.  He sees me as always criticizing him and being “never satisfied.”  He’s right, of course, I am likely never sated.  I reach a milestone, and I’m looking for the next one.
But neither the desire for change nor the frustrations after change are meant as criticisms, nor regrets.  That’s the part that I don’t know how to convey.   I enjoy the process of planning for the next change sometimes more than the aftermath of it.  I enjoy taking apart what works and doesn’t work about whatever the change was.  I enjoy setting a new goal and thinking about how to reach it. That may be with our home, or with how we raise the kids, or solutions for my health issues.  I may make a change and realize afterwards that it doesn’t work.
For instance, adopting SiouxsieQ and Oli came with a host of surprises that I hadn’t predicted.  So I’m looking for new solutions. The challenges that they provided are sometimes more than I could handle.  Even if there are moments when I question the decision, the thought rarely follows the path of regret and backing out of it.  Instead, it’s a process of venting, then planning and research and then correcting and adjusting until we get something that works.
I know this cannot capture the enormity of it, but I just want to make it clearer that when I complain about something it doesn’t mean that it’s a regret or a criticism. It may be a vent, but it’s often a critique of a choice that I made or that we made together and an opportunity for re-evaluation.
If I’m being honest, this side of me that seemingly disturbs Sandy and makes him think that I am dissatisfied all of the time, is also the side of me that unkindly judges him for not wanting to change or to discuss and dissect and post-mortem our decisions and choices.
How meta-critical.