The start of the school year has been a little bumpy. Auden started Kindergarten and has had some socialization and anger management issues. Eliot began 6th grade and has been struggling with the amount of organization it requires to accomplish all of the task set before him. Set this against the backdrop of my often indeterminate to fragile health, and tensions may be closer to the high water mark than usual. Resultingly, Sandy and I frequently discuss and/or argue about our parenting choices to manage these challenges.
One issue we are currently negotiating is the responsibilities we should expect of the boys around the house. Naturally, one tends to look toward their own childhood for some model of what to do or not to do. Sandy and I both had two younger siblings. Sandy and I both had parents who worked together (and mothers who worked full time.) And that’s largely where we diverge.
Sandy went to private schools and in a suburban/urban community. Sandy’s mom arranged lots of after school sports and rides with other parents. Sandy’s mom dictated and doled out everyone’s next day schedule every night. And from what I can infer, Sandy and his siblings were responsible for little around the house. Maybe to take out the trash as requested. I think there was a cleaning lady, and perhaps Sandy’s parents were much stricter about baseline socializing in the house, so the kids stayed away and at other kids’ houses. He has fond memories of little homework and lots of time playing at other kids’ houses.
I, on the other hand, went to public schools in a rural area. I did some afterschool activities, but few because there was no after-after school bus. I don’t have a strong recollection of our parents reminding us of anything that we had to do or where to be. We were responsible for telling our parents. And as for the house, pets, barn animals, and ‘grounds.’ There were some parental and familial things – Dad cooked breakfast, Mom cooked dinner, everyone washed dishes. But many tasks were delegated to us. During the off season (fall-winter), my parents were always remolishing some portion of the house. Making sure that we had windows and insulation, for instance, took precedence over four hours of mowing, feeding the chickens, running the laundry or cleaning the bathroom toilet. During the on season (spring-summer), my parents might not come up from the greenhouse until supper – and I say supper, because it was late and definitely not at a reasonable time. What is funny, is I don’t have bad memories of these responsibilities. I don’t feel like we didn’t have ample time to play and read and goof off.
Sandy is concerned that our boys don’t have enough time to just be kids. This comes into direct conflict with my desire for the boys to be more self-starting and not require that they be told what to do all of the time. My complaint in previous therapy sessions has been that I’m the one responsible for remembering everything that needs to be done and assigning everyone tasks, many of which are tasks they should know to do without reminder. Sandy and I have fought over this, but we are negotiating techniques. One tactic he suggested was creating a list that he and the boys could refer to to see what needs to get done on a daily basis. I did this but expanded it to include not only the “chores” but also the reminders about sunscreen and packing snacks, etc. I color coded it by boy and highlighted the items that needed to be completed in order to earn dessert (another disagreement that Sandy and I have). Unfortunately, the list now looks overwhelming enough (because I had to write down simple things like brushing teeth).
A couple of weeks ago, Sandy complained that the boys have too many chores to do. I honestly think that they have little to be responsible for. Daily Eliot has to take care of the dogs and the clocks, and Auden has to take of the cats and the blinds. Weekly, sometimes they help out with garbage, poopy pickup, or laundry. They rarely ever make their bed, and they usually only clean up their bedroom toys a couple times a week. Sandy eventually conceded that maybe the list simply looked overwhelming. I suggested that maybe we should consult with a professional to see about our where we differ on parenting because that would be an outside source. He actually thought it might be a good idea, but we have not pursued this yet.
Last night in therapy, I mentioned Sandy’s concern about the boys not having enough time to just play, and I said that maybe part of the problem is that Sandy is judging what the boys have (school, afterschool, homework, etc.) against his own childhood. Sandy’s response was, of course, what else would I compare it to. I responded, well, to other kids their age. When I get together with my mom friends we often compare notes. Sandy got defensive then and lobbied back, but they’re completely different parents and children. I responded that it was at least multiple data points, compared to your one 30-40 year old data point. He quickly questioned my logic, and noted that the kids in the public school don’t have the same kind of homework requirements. I responded, that yes, the kids (that I know) in the public school have similar requirements. To which he retorted, that so their mom’s say. Jeff, quickly intervened and redirected us, before we started bickering.
This manner of discussion/debate is common with Sandy. Sandy will assert something is right or wrong (often a judgment on some recommendation that I’ve implemented) based upon his gut feeling and his own experience. He won’t have done research on the subject, but when I present research, anecdotal or published, he’ll start attacking my evidence when his own stance has no evidence at all. Some of the attacks had they been flipped onto his own stance would demolish his own argument. For instance, to say that our next door neighbor’s kids and families are completely different from ours is fine. But his own family – 30 years ago – is also radically different from ours. This type of discussion/debate feels like defensive attacking and not at all like you as a team are trying to find a solution.
So that leaves us with maybe looking to a third party. Perhaps an objective source – whose credentials he accepts – could give us some insight.
Honestly, I don’t want to burden our kids either. I have this vision that if in the mornings after the boys came downstairs they just fed their respective species of pet, then opened some blinds or wound the clock, the whole thing would take less than five minutes and no one would be stressed or angry because they needed to be reminded to do this simple task. In the evenings, if we came home and while a parent prepped dinner the pets were fed, the instruments were practiced, then maybe there would be time after dinner and homework for play and relaxation.