I look pretty good these days – or at least that’s what everyone says when they see me.  I have put back on the lost weight and mostly look well rested.  I manage to work, pick up kids after school, attend parenting events, and even to go out the occasional evening.  For all appearances, I am essentially back to normal.

To maintain this illusion, I do the following:

  • Smile, laugh, and make light whenever possible.
  • Maintain a depressingly restrictive diet.*
  • Take 30+ pills a day in prescriptions and supplements.
  • Take pain medications daily including Lyrica (an anti-convulsant), vicodin, and cannabis.
  • Take antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications.
  • Exercise daily – bicycling, pilates, and/or running.
  • See regularly: therapist, psychiatrist, gastroenterologist, chiropractor, acupuncturist, massage therapist, a naturopath, a podiatrist, and a osteopathic pain specialist.
  • Wear a heating pad around my midsection from afternoon through the night.
  • Sleep 8-9 hours a night.

When someone asks how I am and comments that I look so much better, I often hesitate.  I am better than I was when I was not able to digest anything, but I am nowhere near where I was two years ago.  My typical response is that I’m doing better.

I do not want to be a person who whines about their ailments.  I am fortunate that I can maintain some degree of normalcy, hopefully for multiple years if I keep the pancreatic inflammation under control.  Still, sometimes I wish I could respond honestly:  I’m exhausted, I’m bewildered, I’m depressed, I’m scared, I’m alone in my quest to figure out what is wrong with my body, and all I want in the entire world is to go back to being vaguely normal with the regular aches and pains and ups and downs and a lifespan with decades more to come.


* I cannot eat any grains, dairy, soy, legumes, nightshade vegetables (potatoes, tomatoes, peppers), most things derived from seeds (including coffee and many spices).  I have to carefully control my protein, fat and type of carbohydrates.  I cannot eat vegetables unless they are cooked.  Above all else, I cannot have any alcohol.  I eat a lot of vegetable and chicken soups that my darling husband makes, roasted root vegetables, spinach, eggs, smoothies, certain protein bars, and meringues.  My indulgences are meringues and coconut.